And so it has come to this: I am noticing the portrayal of sex in Disney* movies. And I’m not talking about the hidden sexual stuff, like the dust cloud that spells “SEX” in The Lion King or the wang on the cover of The Little Mermaid VHS case.
Everyone likes a good sex scene in a movie whether or not they want to admit it. There’s nothing quite like that moment when two key characters fall in love — or lust — and give in to their primal instinct to reproduce (although there’s rarely reproduction, Knocked Up notwithstanding.) A good sex scene need only adhere to three main requirements: blue/low lighting, the implication of sexual contact and a song that annoyingly sticks in your head. Anything else is either superfluous. Yes, even nudity is superfluous. I didn’t say it wasn’t awesome. I’m just saying it’s not often necessary.
Let us consider a typical sex scene from a typical movie.
Top Gun — The “Blue Scene”
Does it have blue/low lighting? Definitely.
Is there implied sexual contact? Well, Maverick is laying on top of Charlie and his tongue is grossly protruding into her mouth like a frog catching flies. I’m going to say that’s a yes.
Do we have a song that sticks in your brain? If Berlin’s Take My Breath Away doesn’t stick in your head, you aren’t human. Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom…Bom Bom…Bom Bom…
Is it a sex scene? The Blue Scene in Top Gun is one of the most famous love scenes you’ll want to forget. But you won’t forget it. Because it’s weird seeing Tom Cruise flop around on top of Kelly McGillis.
Now let us consider some other sex scenes I’ve noticed since becoming a dad:
First, the one involving cartoon humans. Aladdin: Magic Carpet Ride
Does it have blue/low lighting? Prince Ali is obviously a do-it-with-the-lights-out-on-a-rug-with-your-pet-monkey-watching type of guy, so yes, we have a scene set at night in Agribah.
Is there implied sexual content? A “magic carpet ride” can only mean three things: 1) implied drug use, 2) implied sexual contact or 3) a combination of the two. I’m going to say it’s just implied sexual contact…because this is a family blog**
Do we have a song that sticks in your head? Magic Carpet Ride is easy to mock, and therefore, easy to remember. I’m going to say it’ll sort of stick in your head.
Does it qualify as a sex scene? 2 1/2 checks out of three. We have a sex scene in the children’s move, Aladdin.
And now, the one where two lions do it. The Lion King: Can You Feel the Love Tonight
Does it have blue/low lighting? This scene is kind of an anomaly because, despite the lyrics of the song, it seems to take place during the daytime, which doesn’t lend itself to the same blue lighting that a night sex scene does. However, thanks to the cover of jungle flora, a couple of lusty jungle fauna have some nice low lighting to “feel the love.”
Is there implied sexual contact? If a girl lion laying down on her back with a boy lion on top of her isn’t implied sexual contact, I don’t know what is. Then there’s the face lick. And “the look.” This scene reeks of implied sexual contact.
Do we have a song that sticks in your head? Even though the scene itself doesn’t use Elton John’s version, the second thing you think of when you think Lion King is Elton John belting out this song at Princess Diana’s funeral. He did sing it at her funeral, didn’t he? Also, the first thing you think of is Hakuna Matata. So freaking catchy.
Does it qualify as a sex scene? The daytime almost messed it up, but thanks to a thick jungle canopy, we have a sex scene in a children’s movie.
Finally, from one of my favorite Disney movies, Lady and the Tramp: Bella Notte
Does it have blue/low lighting? I actually think this is one of Disney’s finest uses of dusk/nighttime in a love scene. No kidding.
Is there implied sexual contact? Well, the two dogs put their paws in wet cement, so that’s something. But the kicker comes when they wake up together in the morning and have to do the walk of shame back to Lady’s house. If you don’t think that’s implied sexual contact, you don’t watch the Real World enough. [does anyone actually watch that anymore?]
Do we have a song that sticks in your head? The song certainly stuck in Tramp’s head, as he hums it the morning after. Bella Notte is one of those songs that sticks in your head because it’s sweet, not because it has some kind of irritating quality like Take My Breath Away [BomBomBomBomBommm].
Does it qualify as a sex scene? As much as I hate to say it, because I love Lady and the Tramp particularly for its innocence, they definitely have two dogs having pre-licensed sex.
And there you have it. Three kid’s movies, three scenes with people or animals doing it. Won’t somebody please think of the children?!
*I’d like to make it clear that I thoroughly enjoy Disney movies for their non-sexual content. And that Disney World is awesome. And that I’m looking forward to the Mouse fixing the Star Wars Episodes I-III debacle. Please don’t blacklist me.
**This is not a family blog.