Old Friend, It’s Over Between Us.


Old Friend,

We’ve been together for a long time.  You’ve been my friend for about as long as I can remember. We played with Hot Wheels together. We supported the original Dream Team together. We even experienced Jurassic Park together. There was that time when I wanted to spend so much time with you, my parents forced me to hang out with you, hoping I’d get tired of your company. It didn’t work. Lately you’ve been around to meet both of my kids — and they love you. Especially the 3-year-old. She adores you. And part of me still adores you, too.

I remember when you were there for me when it seemed like no one else was. Those last few years of college were especially tough on me, and you were waiting for me every day. Never judging, always faithful. In fact, just about anytime my life has been at its most stressful you’ve been there for me. I’ve always appreciated that about you.

But I have to say this — and I’ve been meaning to, wanting to, for a long time: I think it’s best if we stop being friends. All those times we spent together, I now realize you weren’t really being a good friend. You were just being a crutch. Your comfort was nice in the moment, but I’m now recognizing it often left me feeling even more hollow — which is ironic, because you were almost always filling.

Bacon McDouble, large fries, large Coke. $5.49 heart attack.
Bacon McDouble, large fries, large Coke. $5.49 heart attack.

So, Old Friend, I can’t rely on you anymore. I wish I could say “it’s not you, it’s me,” but that wouldn’t be fair. It’s both of us. You’ve facilitated my addiction and poisoned me for long enough, and I can’t allow you to be an influence in my life anymore. And now that I’m the gatekeeper for most everything my children eat, I most certainly don’t want you to be an influence in their lives anymore than you already have. Leaving you in the past won’t be an easy task, I know, and I know if I try to come running back, you’ll welcome me with open arms. That’s why I have to make this clean break. That’s why I have to make better choices. It’s over, and I don’t want to see you anymore.

And so it has come to this: Goodbye, Old Friend. I know you’ll be fine without me. I know I’ll be a lot better without you.



  1. McDonald's

    Matt –

    Thanks so much for doing this on your blog. It’s just what I always dreamed of—a public breakup. I am in shock. I didn’t see it coming. I can’t… I just… There were no signs! What the hell, Matt?

    If you need something different from me, let’s talk about it, but don’t just walk out on me. Screw you for even considering that. You don’t just throw away 30 years of work, and history, and love. LOVE, Matt. Love. That’s what we had. That’s what you told me you felt, you son of a bitch. You SON OF A BITCH! YOU LIAR!

    I hope you’re happy with yourself. I made you dependent? You made ME dependent. I need you. You’re the only thing I have. Everyone else is gone, because they couldn’t stand to see us together, those jealous assholes.

    You know what the worst part is? I’ll never stop loving you, Matt. Someday you’ll be driving by and glance at me and I’ll meet your gaze and I’ll know that I’ll never really close my door for you. It will always be open, no matter how many other people I let inside. And I mean really inside, you sick bastard. Pervert! That’s right. You think you’re the only one that likes the way I taste? The way I make you feel? I can give that to lots of people. Millions of people! Billions even.

    Oh, god, what am I doing? What are we doing? Be honest with me. Take a break if you need to. Go find yourself. Maybe go on one of those cleanses or something. And then when you have your head on straight let’s talk. Really talk, you know? Just, you know, be with each other. Like the old days?

    Please, Matt, Promise you won’t forget about me. I can’t accept that all this, my whole life, was for nothing.

    I’ll always love you,


    P.S. (Nothing. Worthless. Empty. Destructive, even. That’s what you’ve made me feel like. You did that to me, on purpose. Just to, what, make yourself feel a little better because you need to get to the gym? I thought you were better than that. And you can be again. Just let me in. LET ME IN!)

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      1. McDonald's

        Of course I always do this. Because unlike some people in this conversation, I know that it takes work to keep something beautiful alive. Good luck out there without me to constantly remind you that you’re hungry (to live life to the fullest).

  2. A

    It was that picture of pink-sludge processed chicken that did it for me. After that, I couldn’t stand to be at McD’ s.

  3. Jennifer

    But it’s My Little Ponies in the Happy Meals right now and your sweet 3 year old loves them! Please, just keep on until My Little Ponies stops! 🙂 I’m kidding. It’s a good breakup.

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