And so it has come to this: The voices aren’t just in my head.
There are a few milestones in a child’s life that most parents are excited about: first words, first steps, graduation (hopefully), moving out of the house (HOPEFULLY)…Let’s focus on that first one, shall we?
Oh, it’s so cute! Bean’s first word was “Dada!” It was so intentional! So filled with love! I’m not going to lie — I was pretty stoked that I was her first word. So stoked, in fact, that here I am using the word “stoked.” Douche Chill!
That was then. This is the horrible, horrible future.
Bean has since learned countless words, and she has no problem saying all of them. At one time. In a row. Without stopping. Not even for breath.
The chart below is from The Simpsons. It depicts the proper food chain. It’s science and it’s not up for debate. Vegetables are not included.
Now, imagine with me, if you will, that all the arrows are pointing to the five sensory organs of the human figure in the middle (Eyes, ears, nose, mouth, skin — some of us went to public schools and state universities, so I’ll spell them out.) Imagine that every time one of those sensory organs takes in a message, it comes out of your mouth in the form of a word. The Food Chain, or “Chain of Thought” as I’ll call it, would go like this [starting at 10:00 in the image]:
“Oooh! Doggy! Bat! Mommy scared of bats! Daddy scared of Bats! Monkey! Cow! Moooo! Snake! Skole! I see a skole in tha yard! Allogatrr! Snake! Two snake! Daddy! Two snake!! Bird! Horse! Bird! Gobble gobble! Doggy! Bat! Mommy scared of bats! Daddy scared of Bats! … ”
This, my friends is damn near impossible to listen to. Can you imagine having to say aloud every single thought that runs through your head, no matter how insignificant?! This is how a toddler lives all day, every day. And it is how I live — listening to an endless Chain of Thought from the time the sun wakes up until the sun goes to sleep. [It’s easier to explain awake vs. asleep to a toddler than up and down, apparently.]
Which leads to the ultimate challenge:
Pick a day. Any day. Could be today. Doesn’t matter. You’re free Thursday? Great. Let’s do it Thursday.
OK. On Thursday, pick 5 minutes. No, let’s make it 3 minutes. In that three minutes you MUST SAY ALOUD EVERY THOUGHT THAT ENTERS YOUR MIND. Time yourself. See how long you can make it. Make sure you have a witness. An adult witness. God knows what goes on in that brain of yours that children shouldn’t be exposed to.
Want to make it really interesting? Video yourself, post it to youtube and then post your video in the comments. I’ll post my video as an update.
God help us all.